I should have thrown a drink in his face, but he did a fine job of soaking himself with alcohol

I met Mike through a mutual friend.  She gushed to me about how sweet and sincere he was and that she thought we’d be a good match.  He showed up one night when said friend and I were at a bar and it seemed she had been correct; Mike was great.  After a few drinks, he offered to walk me home.  He kissed me goodnight at the door and asked for my number, which I eagerly bestowed upon him.  I heard from Mike the very next day, something I’ve found quite rare.  I reject all rules of dating, particularly that silly rule regarding how long to wait to contact someone you’re interested in, so I found it incredibly refreshing that Mike adhered to a similar train of thought.  He liked me and wasn’t afraid of coming across as too eager!  Score!

And so it was that Mike and I were out again several nights later at one of my favorite neighborhood establishments.  It didn’t take me long to realize that at 9pm, Mike was already drunk.  He confessed he’d already been out with some friends before meeting up with me.  Although he certainly wasn’t wasted, I started to worry when he ordered another drink.

And then another…

…at which point Mike began to make me extremely uncomfortable by raving about how beautiful I looked.  For one thing, it was hard to detect sincerity through the haze of alcohol that was probably beginning to cloud his vision.  For another thing, he just wouldn’t talk about anything else.  Sure, I like being told I look nice and I‘m pretty good at accepting compliments, but what is there to say other than “thank you?”  Especially when returning the compliment would just be a lie.

And then another…

…at  which point Mike tried to lure me back to his apartment with the classic line, “I’ve got some music on my computer I want you to listen to.”  Though I tried to let him down easy and excuse myself by saying I was really tired, Mike apparently was not taking rejection and he soon proved he was not leaving without a fight.  We argued about the situation for the next half hour, all the while I was just trying to get out of there.  I’ve never been very good at being assertive.

And then another…

…at which point Mike got up and walked to my side of the table, stood behind me, and proceeded to shove his hand down my shirt.  I was sitting in a restaurant, with people at the tables surrounding me, with a drunk asshole behind me who had now worked his hand into my bra and was feeling me up.  Shocked, appalled and pissed off is an understatement.  I just couldn’t believe it was happening and try as I might, I had absolutely no idea what to do.  I honestly don’t remember what I ended up saying to Mike, but I made it clear that his behavior was inappropriate and it was time to go.  He apparently had enough of the rejection at that point because he returned to his chair, threw it to the ground, and stormed out.

Leaving me with a bill for $70 that was primarily his drinks.

Our waitress came over after he was gone and asked if I was alright.  Still in complete shock and recovering from the disaster, replaying the night and trying to figure out which part was the worst, I said, “yeah… bad first date.”  She looked at me in utter disbelief and replied, “That was a first date?  Honey, I’m bringing you a beer on the house.”  It hardly made up for the preceding events, but it definitely helped.

I had a text from Mike before I even got home that night that simply said, “Had a great time tonight!  Let’s do it again soon, babe.”   I don’t think I even have to tell you that I didn’t respond.  Or that I never again allowed our mutual friend set me up on another date.

The Break-Up Email

Last January I dated Jimmy.  He was incredibly fun and I loved spending time with him, but it was very apparent that there was no "spark" on either end and we were both just killing time.  After four dates, Jimmy decided to call it quits for fear he would break my poor, fragile heart if he continued to lead me on.  I was not heartbroken.  I was not sad.  After all, we'd only gone on four dates and I had already made it clear to him that I also was just having a good time, not looking for a serious relationship with him.  Nevertheless, he sent me a lengthy "break-up" email:


". . .I don't want you to think you did anything wrong or that i'm trying to avoid you . . . You're a great chick, I have a good time with you, but I just don't feel that special spark that i'm gonna need in order to sacrifice my time enough to make this a regular thing. I apologize  if i'm not making sense. i'm a writer  with an ability to articulate. I'm just bad at this. so i'll leave now before blabbering on trying to find a better way to convey my thoughts . . . i'm pretty sure you'll never meet anyone quite like me, and hopefully my presence in your life will have the same type of positive impact it has seemed to have on almost anyone i've gotten to know."


A bit presumptuous?  Don't get me wrong, I liked Jimmy.  He was tons of fun and very cute in that "I'm an adorable little Hobbit" way... but I definitely wasn't crushed by his decision to pull the plug on our gallivanting.  I also can't say that our four dates influenced my life in any way, positive or negative.  


Jimmy also supplied me with a list of 20 "life-changing" songs that he encouraged me to listen to.  It seems a waste to keep them to myself (I must say, there are some gems in this little playlist):


New Order - Age of Consent
Phoenix - Too Young
Radiohead - Ideoteque
Blur - Trimm Trabb
Pixies - Here Comes Your Man
T Rex - The Street And Babe Shadow
Velvet Underground - Femme Fatale
Afghan Whigs - Be Sweet
Animal Collective - My Girls
Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea
Cocteau Twins - Lorelei
Pulp - Common People
Built to Spill - Else
Explosions in the Sky - Welcome, Ghosts
Jesus & The Mary Chain - Darklands
My Bloody Valentine -  Sometimes
Nada Surf - Inside of Love
Pavement - Spit on a Stranger
Sigur Ros - Inní Mér Syngur Vitleysingur
Sonic Youth - Total Trash
Spoon - The Underdog
Tom Waits - Cold Cold Ground
The Veils - The Leavers Dance
The Walkmen - The Rat
Wrens - Thirteen Grand
The Zombies - Care of Cell 44

After inviting Chris upstairs, we are soon joined by Charlie

Chris was the first guy I went out with after dating Eric seriously, off and on, for over a year. We met up at a bar, as is custom, and I dare say that we really hit it off. We had a lot to talk about, many shared laughs, and things were going really well. Chris even gushed about how lucky he was to have met me and said he couldn't wait to introduce me to his mom. He went so far as to ask my permission before kissing me and invited me over for breakfast the next morning, promising to cook for me! Okay... not exactly typical first date behavior, but who was I to complain? This guy was totally into me! Was it possible that my very first date after a failed relationship could be "the one?"

No. No, it was absolutely not possible at all.

After hours of drinks and good conversation, Chris walked me home. I invited him up because it seemed like the right thing to do (besides, he was such a gentleman), but really had no further expectations. I have never invited a guy back to my apartment after a first date before or since, and I'm not really sure why I did on this particular occasion. However, Chris accepted my invitation and soon we were on the sofa. Call it the drinks, call it the hormones, call it the crazy attraction that I was sure would unite me with Chris for the rest of eternity, but soon neither Chris nor myself were wearing clothing.

Cue Charlie. Charlie is my neighbor's cat that sometimes wanders in through the window. Charlie slinked through the living room, but we paid no mind. Cue Jordan. Jordan is my neighbor, Charlie's owner. Jordan stuck his head in through the window, looking for Charlie. Chris and I sprang up from our spots on the sofa, and huddled together in a corner, as far from the window as we could get. Jordan asked if anyone had seen Charlie. I replied that, yes, I had seen Charlie come through. Jordan then proceeded to make small talk: "Hi! I'm Jordan. Are you new here? I'm sorry we haven't met before. Where are you? Why can't I see you? Where's my cat?" etc. I excused myself to retrieve Charlie and somehow managed to pass him back through the window to Jordan without him realizing I was naked. Apparently I have some pretty fucking awesome curtains.

Despite the unusual events, I was thankful for Charlie for intervening before Chris and I got too "carried away." Chris tried to weasel an invitation to spend the night out of me, but a girl has to draw the line somewhere! A guy won't return your calls if you put out on a first date!  I remembered his breakfast invitation and showed up at his apartment the next morning as promised. He seemed surprised to see me, but we watched a movie together (Seven -- very romantic) and he made me eggs. I left in the early afternoon, feeling as though we had just enjoyed a successful second date, but despite a couple attempts to contact Chris, I never heard from him again. Was it the cat? Was it me? Was it the whole sequence of events? Apparently my chastity didn't make a difference. I think the take-home message here is this: Never leave a window screen open when it looks onto a fire escape and a cat lives next door.