Thursday, August 25, 2011

Give me a siiiiiign... hit me baby, one more time

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I hate dating, as I've blatantly stated that fact numerous times.  But it is due to this fact that I'm sometimes prone to looking for signs that say my date with a new suitor will be my very last first date.  Fostering false hopes makes dating somewhat more bearable, though it admittedly also creates greater heartbreak when yet another situation just doesn't work out.  I recently mentally reviewed some of the reasons that I was absolutely, positively sure that I had finally found my soul mate, and though they may seem ridiculous, well... I can't promise you I won't do the exact same thing in the future.  Alright, if you must know, I'm doing it right now.
Bachelor #1: We spent our first (and only) date exchanging Mitch Hedberg impressions and talking about our mutual three loves: tacos, the Phillies and Obama.  I just assumed that equation equaled everlasting love, but it apparently didn't even warrant a second date.
Bachelor #2: On our very first date, he made laser sounds ("pewpewpew!  pew!  pew!").  It is a little-known fact that although it is not a prerequisite, it is a preference that my man make random funny sounds, not in the Tourettes sense, but in the silly, spontaneous sense.  (I'd like it to also be noted that Eric refused to do this, so I should have known from the start that he was a creep.  "No, someone might laugh at me."  "What do you mean?  I'm the only one here."  "You might laugh at me."  "I won't."  "Whatever.  I don't have to do whatever you say."  But considering this guy is a total sociopath who should be in prison... I digress).
Bachelor #3: I thought we were meant to be because he stopped me on the street to ask if I could whistle.  It was completely serendipitous, which is exactly the problem.  I've seen the movie "Serendipity" and assume that chance meetings are just the way it happens... it is, in fairy tales, which is apparently not what I am living.
Bachelor #4: "Legally Blonde" is one of his favorite movies.  Anyone who can appreciate the genius of that screenplay is worth my time.  Any man who can admit it's so brilliant that it's among his favorites... I thought he was my soul mate.  And then I found out he voted McCain/Palin.
Bachelor #5: I finally found a catch that not only matched the "needs" on my list of criteria, but fit all of my "wants" as well: He shares my political and religious beliefs, doesn't smoke (needs), is close with his family, speaks and writes using proper grammar, prefers cats to dogs, likes to cook and is an excellent cook, loves playing boardgames, calls when he says he will, makes me mixed CDs, laughs at my terrible jokes (wants)...  He is everything I always wanted, so naturally I believed it was meant to be, but... oh, I forgot to mention he just wants to be my friend.
Bachelor #6: We both keep track of the songs that we wake up with in our heads because we're fascinated by the mysterious phenomenon of why certain songs get stuck, playing on repeat in our minds.

Yes, these ridiculous traits have all made me think, at one time or another, that the guy displaying them was my intended.  Because why else would we have something so bizarre in common?  We wouldn't have met by chance just to remain in each other's lives for a few weeks, right?  This one, small, insane thing must mean something because otherwise, why would it even exist?  The truth, good readers, is simply thus: I am not the only weird person out there and somewhere there is a weirdo waiting for me.