Give me a siiiiiign... hit me baby, one more time

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I hate dating, as I've blatantly stated that fact numerous times.  But it is due to this fact that I'm sometimes prone to looking for signs that say my date with a new suitor will be my very last first date.  Fostering false hopes makes dating somewhat more bearable, though it admittedly also creates greater heartbreak when yet another situation just doesn't work out.  I recently mentally reviewed some of the reasons that I was absolutely, positively sure that I had finally found my soul mate, and though they may seem ridiculous, well... I can't promise you I won't do the exact same thing in the future.  Alright, if you must know, I'm doing it right now.

 

Bachelor #1: We spent our first (and only) date exchanging Mitch Hedberg impressions and talking about our mutual three loves: tacos, the Phillies and Obama.  I just assumed that equation equaled everlasting love, but it apparently didn't even warrant a second date.

 

Bachelor #2: On our very first date, he made laser sounds ("pewpewpew!  pew!  pew!").  It is a little-known fact that although it is not a prerequisite, it is a preference that my man make random funny sounds, not in the Tourettes sense, but in the silly, spontaneous sense.  (I'd like it to also be noted that Eric refused to do this, so I should have known from the start that he was a creep.  "No, someone might laugh at me."  "What do you mean?  I'm the only one here."  "You might laugh at me."  "I won't."  "Whatever.  I don't have to do whatever you say."  But considering this guy is a total sociopath who should be in prison... I digress).

 

Bachelor #3: I thought we were meant to be because he stopped me on the street to ask if I could whistle.  It was completely serendipitous, which is exactly the problem.  I've seen the movie "Serendipity" and assume that chance meetings are just the way it happens... it is, in fairy tales, which is apparently not what I am living.

 

Bachelor #4: "Legally Blonde" is one of his favorite movies.  Anyone who can appreciate the genius of that screenplay is worth my time.  Any man who can admit it's so brilliant that it's among his favorites... I thought he was my soul mate.  And then I found out he voted McCain/Palin.

 

Bachelor #5: I finally found a catch that not only matched the "needs" on my list of criteria, but fit all of my "wants" as well: He shares my political and religious beliefs, doesn't smoke (needs), is close with his family, speaks and writes using proper grammar, prefers cats to dogs, likes to cook and is an excellent cook, loves playing boardgames, calls when he says he will, makes me mixed CDs, laughs at my terrible jokes (wants)...  He is everything I always wanted, so naturally I believed it was meant to be, but... oh, I forgot to mention he just wants to be my friend.

 

Bachelor #6: We both keep track of the songs that we wake up with in our heads because we're fascinated by the mysterious phenomenon of why certain songs get stuck, playing on repeat in our minds.

Yes, these ridiculous traits have all made me think, at one time or another, that the guy displaying them was my intended.  Because why else would we have something so bizarre in common?  We wouldn't have met by chance just to remain in each other's lives for a few weeks, right?  This one, small, insane thing must mean something because otherwise, why would it even exist?  The truth, good readers, is simply thus: I am not the only weird person out there and somewhere there is a weirdo waiting for me.

The Best Date Ever: An Exes and Whys Digression

The 4th of July is the holiday that, more than any other, makes me long for love. Sure, it would be nice to have a Valentine (see Previous Post: Reflections on Valentine's Day), someone with whom I can exchange Christmas gifts, or to share my turkey with at Thanksgiving, but for me, it's good old Independence Day that succeeds in filling me with the greatest amount of yearning, and perhaps a bit of wallowing, too. I adore fireworks and want nothing more than to share the happiness and blissful contenment they bring me with a man who loves me and will hold me close while we watch thundering bursts of light and color explode above us. There has only been one year when my dream came true, and instead of writing about another dating disaster (believe me; there will be more to come), I'd like to tell you about the Best 4th of July Ever.

I had my first date with Peter on July 2 and happened to mention to him my excitement for Independence Day's impending fireworks display. Date #1 went well so when he asked if he could be my date and watch the fireworks together, I happily obliged and we made plans to watch the display from the roof of my apartment building. Pete showed up for our July 4th date with a surprise: a romance playlist that we listened to together, slow-dancing around the roof and waiting for the fireworks to begin. It felt magical, like a fairy tale, the kind of thing that I previously thought only happened in the movies, not on a second date! It was a fantastic playlist, too: Buddy Holly, Ben Folds, The Swell Season, Dean Martin, Etta James, Iron and Wine, Lenny Kravitz, Peter Salett, Otis Wedding, Weezer, the Muppets, Nina Simone, The Ramones, The Shins, and so on. A truly great assortment of amazing artists and songs. I still love listening to it... which sometimes feels odd, listening to a romantic "mix tape" from an ex, but if it's great music and it does't make me sad, then why not?

Peter and I were together for three months after that, and it was the best three months of dating in my life. He voluntarily gave me foot rubs, left love notes in my purse when he left in the morning that I'd find once I got to work, reminded me regularly that I was beautiful, routinely brought me small, thoughtful gifts (burned movies, a book, a Fozzie Bear figurine). We definitely had our problems, thus the termination of the relationship at the three month mark, but I am still grateful to Peter for showing me what a functional, affectionate relationship feels like. I held on to him longer than I should have because it felt amazing to have a boyfriend who appreciated me and treated me well. It was not enough to sustain us, and so I returned to the horrible world of dating where I'm constantly treated like crap. But despite all of the horrible dating experiences I've endured and the number of times I've nursed my poor, broken heart back to health... I hold on to the hope that there is someone out there for me that will treat me as well as Peter did, and with whom I will not have irreconcilable differences. Someone that I will actually be in love with, not just think I'm in love with because the attention is so nice. And of course, that someone will snuggle close to me as we watch fireworks and even as they fizzle and burn out, we will not.

Signing cards as a couple & The Fire Hydrant Theory: thoughts on Singledom

In one of the few episodes of Sex and the City I've seen, Carrie attends a wedding and laments, "two people are committing to a life together and I can't even get a guy to sign a card with me." I've been thinking about this a lot lately, as I just attended three weddings in just as many weeks. I love weddings, so this is not a complaint by any means... but it does cause me to stop and ponder my current situation. Like Carrie, not only have I failed in finding a man who wants to commit his life to me, but I can't even find someone who wants to sign his name next to mine on that congratulatory greeting card. I've found someone who threw a chair on our first (and only) date, someone who took me on a shopping trip to Diesel so I could watch him try on clothes for an hour, someone who later dated my roommate, someone who sent me a breakup playlist, someone that hurt me so deeply that I picture him being dismembered in various ways when I can't fall asleep at night... but never anyone that I would even invite to be my date to a wedding, let alone with whom I'd like to spend the rest of my life.
And so I'm left to ponder why men do the things they do.

EXHIBIT A:

I met Kevin at a bar in December; we talked for a couple of hours and he asked for my phone number. I started dating someone shortly thereafter so while Kevin and I chatted a couple of times, nothing ever came of it. But when I was dumped and Kevin texted me, I acted on it and agreed to meet him for a drink, something he said he'd been waiting on for months. When the time came for said drink, I was stood up. I didn't hear from Kevin for four months until today when he texted to say he's back in town (I wasn't aware he had left) and would like to get together.

EXHIBIT B:

My roommate and I attended a wedding in November. At the very beginning of the night, she picked out a gentleman that she thought was cute with whom she'd like to dance. By the end of the night, they had not only shared multiple dances, but hung out in the hotel bar for a while. He said he would like to see her again and invited her to visit him in Boston sometime. Except he never even asked for her phone number!

EXHIBIT C:

Another friend of mine has been asked out multiple times by a guy who does not remember that they have already dated!

And this is just the tip of the iceberg, folks... and yet I try to decipher that pesky opposite sex again and again. Whoever said men always say exactly what they mean and don't send mixed signals is full of shit. And that, my friends, is why ladies are left to read into things: because men are cryptic little devils.

But I know that women have their idiosyncracies as well. Allow me to introduce The Fire Hydrant Theory: Instead of telling a guy how they feel, women have begun to use men's Facebook walls as a means of staking their claim, hypotheticcaly pissing all over the wall to show ownership the way dogs stake claim on fire hydrants: "Back off, ladies! I have 'poked' and posted a link to a picture of a cute kitten and sent a clip of a movie with the message, 'LOL! Brad, remember this???" so that the world knows that Brad hung out with me! And we share a love for adorable kittens! Plus, the added bonus of a poke's sexual inuendo...hands off, ladies. This one's mine!" And so poor Brad is left soaked in the urine of a crazy chick's Facebook mania.

With two genders this cracked, how will anyone find someone who wants to sign a card with them?

Sometimes your words just hypnotize me...

Craig and I went to high school together and at the time, I felt as though he was kind of my male equivalent: we both had close friends in the popular crowd but were by no means card-carrying members of the cool squad ourselves. We were both "athletes" in the sense that we played a sport, but weren't the varsity stars. Neither of us really dated, though we both nursed crushes on individuals that were just out of our reach. Craig and I were your classic "in-betweeners" and I thought we really understood each other. I was talking to Craig on Instant Messenger one night and he began asking me questions like "what does it feel like when a woman gets turned on?" Since women don't get erections, he didn't understand how our bodies respond to sexual stimulation. I answered his questions but it was all very innocent.

Then Craig asked me if I'd assist him with an experiment he had read about. He wanted me to hypnotize him so that he could only get an erection when I spoke a certain trigger word. His penis would only respond to that one word, and only when spoken by me. Craig admitted to having fantasies of me whispering the word to him in the hallway at school and thus being completely at my mercy. I was a mix of flattered and terrified, but realized that this fantasy had nothing to do with sexual desire for me personally, merely that I was the person he felt comfortable admitting his sexual fetish to and he knew I wouldn't make fun of him or reveal his desire to others.

While I don't shun most sexual fetishes (to each his/her own), I do think his request was a strange one to make to a high school girl... especially one he was not romantically involved with and had never even hung out with outside of school. It was a very raondom request, even given the conversation that had preceded it. Nevertheless, I told Craig I'd be happy to comply with his request... of course never intending to follow through! I just didn't want to say "no" because then he might think I wasn't cool and... sexually awesome, or something like that. He brought up the matter a few times after that, but only online and I always replied with a line like, "oh yeah... we should totally do that... sometime... I'm really busy this weekend... working on the Homecoming float and all..."

Yes, I found the request odd, but I did not think Craig was odd. I thought it was cool that he felt comfortable being so open with me.

So the hypnotism never took place and Craig and I went our separate ways after graduation. One night when I was a freshman in college I was talking to him online and he told me that he gave the hypnotism a try with a girl at his university. He said it didn't work, and that I should come visit him because he really thought I'd be able to accomplish it. I reminded him that since I went to a different school, I wouldn't see him on a daily basis and he therefore would never be able to get an erection. He said he still thought it would be fascinating if I randomly called him and said the trigger word and hung up, giving him an instant boner. This time I declined.

Craig and I eventually lost touch, as tends to be the case with high school friends when people go away to college. But that was not the last of Craig. During my junior year of college I was walking through a friend's dorm on our way to play in the snow on a very blizzardy day. I was wearing three layers of clothes underneath my giant puffcoat and certainly looked like the Michelin Man when, lo and behold, I see Craig walking towards me. We had a very brief encounter during which he told me he was visiting a friend and had completely forgotten I also attended school there.

Later that night, Craig IMed me to tell me how sexy I looked when we ran into each other. Sexy? Really? In four layers of clothing manufactured to incubate body heat? He then proceded to ask me out and I declined, finally realizing that Craig did not find me trustworthy and a kindred spirit, but rather was a horny boy that for one reason or another thought I would be desperate enough to accept his strange advances. Now I do indeed think Craig is odd, and he is definitely not my male equivalent. Sometimes I am way too generous when giving people the benefit of the doubt... especially men whose bizarre tendencies I mistake for cute and flattering.

Read Any Good Books Lately?

What better place to find a sexy sophisticated suitor than the library?  Unfortunately, I've never had the privilege of meeting a man in the library, but that doesn't mean I've given up hope.  Should this opportunity ever come my way, I am prepared.  Surrounded by some of my lady friends earlier in the week, we developed a list of pick-up lines that are surefire ways to catch that studious man (or woman) of your dreams. 

1.    Is your name Dewey?  Because I've been looking you up and down.
2.    Put down that book and check me out.
3.    Let's play a little game of non-fiction.
4.    I'd like to run my fingers through your pages.
5.    Excuse me, do you know where I could find the graphic novels?
6.    Care to examine my stacks?
7.    Would you like to solve my mystery?
8.    I found you in the card catalog filed under "sexy."
9.    Do you know where I can find Moby Dick?
10.  I lost my call number; can I get yours?

Dating: It's Not A Game

Tonight I attended an event called Love Is Blind that not only featured a male dancer who stripped down to his goggles, snorkel and swim trunks, but also several rounds of the Dating Game, complete with three contestants and bachelor/bachelorette mysteriously hidden behind a curtain.  Alas, my raffle ticket was not selected, which would have enabled me to participate, a fact that is most unfortunate not only because I therefore did not win a fabulous date with a handsome man, but also because this blog entry would be far more exciting had I been chosen.  However, watching the others on stage answer the questions posed to them by the men/women searching for love made me contemplate what three questions I would ask a potential suitor, had I only three questions to ask.  At first it seemed quite obvious, as there are three major things I look for when dating:

1.  Do you smoke?

2.  What is your political affiliation?

3.  Are you religious?

I won’t tell you what the “correct” answers to these questions are, but I can tell you that they are my only deal-breakers.  And #3 is open to some debate depending on ethnicity vs. moral obligation.  These questions, however, would not make for a particularly entertaining dating game.  While the answers to these questions remain of importance to me, there are three additional questions that would not only go over far better within the Dating game scenario, but also have answers that would honestly make a difference to me:

1.  If you were a word, what word would you be and why?

2. What is the weirdest tradition in which your family participates?

3. Name one child that has had a positive impact on your life.

And now, allow me to explain.   First of all, the word “love” or “hope” will not gain you any points here.  Please.  There are so many remarkable words in the English language.  What about “menagerie” or “waffle” or “placenta?”  Just feel the way those words roll of the tongue.  I don’t care if the word is selected simply because it’s fun to say; that is a far better reason than the Miss America response of, “because it’s a beautiful thing and what we all live for blah blah blah.”  Men give those answers to because they think it’s what we want to hear.  They are wrong.

As for question number 2… loving your family and bonding with your family is important to me.  Maybe you grew up in a dysfunctional family but turned out okay.  There still has to be some kind of tradition your family adheres to, even if it’s chasing each other around with the butcher knife every Thanksgiving.  Let’s keep it exciting, people!  My answer to this question would either be Drunken Boardgame Fest with my cousins or the Ceremonial Passing of the Collared Pecary.

And lastly, children.  I do not want a child today or tomorrow or even in the next several years.  But I want a child some day.  I know plenty of people who have not had an abundance of children in their lives, but I feel it’s impossible to have never had your heart melted by a child.  Did a baby ever smile at you on the subway?  Did a little girl or boy in a film ever move you in the slightest?  A child somewhere must have had an impact on you at some point, one way or another, no matter how small.  Three years ago, this would not have seemed important to me, but since then I have dated far too many men who, in their 20s, were already contemplating Vasectomies.  Seriously?  You’re not even 30 years old and you want to get snipped?  Preposterous.  I need to at least know there is the possibility of children at some point in the future.

I don’t think it’s any secret that I’m pretty fed up with the whole dating scene and ready to find someone with whom I see a future.  And who sees me in his future.  I don’t date for fun.  Of all the things that dating is, “fun” is not one of them.   I have kept an open mind and dated smokers, dated men who voted opposite what I voted in the 2008 election, dated men who were estranged from their families.  And you know what?  I have not fared well.  I know that relationships are all about compromise, but one should not have to compromise her/his ideals.  Yes, relationships require sacrifice, but likewise they cannot exist in the first place without harmony.

What if the Dating Game consisted of the questions people really wanted to ask?  Oh, Jim Lange would have been in for such a treat!  Though I much prefer Chuck Woolery.  I wonder if he’s single… and how he would answer my questions.

Dear Diary 4/25/95: Couple-skating at the roller rink

The below was artfully sketched on April 25, 1995:

The accompanying diary entry is from April 23, 1995:

Dear Diary, on Friday I went to the roller rink.  I couple-skated with (drumroll please!)  Jason!  As friends, of course.  Now I can't get him out of my mind.

Top 5 guys:

1. Jason

2. Jamin

3. Thomas Ian Nicholas

4. Nate

5. Marc

Note from me, April 25, 2011: Come on, I was a hottie, no?  Who wouldn't want to coupleskate with that hot piece of ass?-