Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Dater

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, as far as men are concerned, was cut Eric out of my life. It should have been the easiest, considering he’s a lying, cheating, manipulative, date rapist sack of shit. However, he was a date rapist sack of shit who always called just to ask how my day was and never failed to offer uplifting words when I was down (except when he was the cause of it). I can honestly say he’s the only guy to draw a smiley face on his penis in magic marker to cheer me up. The point I’m trying to make is that cutting him off was difficult for me, given his positive traits, but should definitely not have been, given his sadistic, sociopathic traits. (I know what most of you are saying: “Any idiot could do that.” Well, it was tough for me, so back off!)

The other hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, as far as men are concerned, was be best friends with a guy I was in love with for two years, hoping he would realize he was also in love with me. He never did and I’ve since realized we would be absolutely terrible together, but at the time it caused me great agony, especially when talking him through various break-ups and heartaches.

Right now I am going through something that is right up there with those two experiences. And I’m going to write about it because I don’t think I can jinx anything at this point; it’s all in the very fragile hands of that wily bitch, Fate. I also write this with the blessing of Nate (whose name I am changing because I’m still a little bit superstitious, a lot bit respectful of his privacy, and hey, I’ve never dated a Nate!). When Nate found out, on our second date, that I write a dating blog, he admitted that it was somewhat strange that he might end up on it, but said, “If I say or do anything that inspires you to write, but all means, use it.” And so I shall.

Nate and I have been "talking" for three months, dating for two months, and have not seen each other for one month. We were set-up by a mutual friend via email and shortly after we began dating and realized we were really into each other, forces beyond our control forced us into long-distance dating for the indeterminable future. Long distance relationships are difficult enough. Now imagine long distance dating: still getting to know each other’s proclivities, figuring out each other’s comfort zones, not yet sure how he feels about me and unable to see him to put insecurities and fears to rest. Phone calls are superb for heart-to-hearts and text messages do wonders for flirting, but both can only convey so much, and a great deal can be misconstrued without the benefit of face-to-face communication.

The worst part is simply not knowing when we might see each other again. I think if I had a particular date on the calendar to look forward to it might not be so bad, but at this point it’s impossible to know. It’s a very strange feeling to miss someone so much whom I’m just beginning to get to know and yes, it’s only been a month that we have not seen each other, but knowing this could continue indefinitely… that’s the kicker. At least I know that we’re on the same page, because we’ve discussed how to proceed: just go with the flow. What else is there to do? We each agree that something is there that is worth preserving, worth working toward and that what we have could really go somewhere special.

So here I am, working damn hard to make this work, and I don’t even know what “this” is. It’s not a “relationship” in the “boyfriend/girlfriend” sense of the word, but it’s something deeper than “hey, I’m dating some guy and I hope it works out” because we’ve both put in a hell of an effort so far working toward a potential future together that may or may not even be possible. It's agonizing.


  1. Trust me, I know how you feel. But there are up-sides to distance relationships - the fact that you are BOTH putting time in to TRY says a lot about how you feel about each other. The fact that you are forced to TALK (instead of maybe just making out) will help you lay a strong foundation for when you can see each other. I have done a lot of long distance things, and yes, eventually you will have to SEE each other, but despite how frustrating it is now, there are some benefits. :) ~Ericka

  2. Thank you for putting this in perspective for me! I think everything you say is definitely true, just hard to remember that at times. I really appreciate it.

  3. It's perfectly natural. Humans are social beings and the stronger the feelings you have for someone the more you will miss their company. I have no girlfriend in the romantic sense of the term, but I do have a "girl-friend" that I care about very much. I haven't seen her for over three years and I really miss her. As I see it there are three types of long distance relationships: ones that concern geographic distance and ones that concern temporal distances (long time, no see). The third type is a combination of the two and that seems to be very common. I can sympathize and I hope you will be true to your bf. That way your reunion will be that much more precious.

    1. Thanks for weighing in! It's good to know one isn't alone. The distance was very difficult, but we did stay true to each other and made it work for eight months. After that, I wasn't enough for him and I'm sorry to say I will never do the long-distance thing again. It's too much effort when someone is just going to burn you in the long run.

  4. I understand how you feel right now because it's really difficult to have a long distance relationship!

    According to physics "as the distance increases, the force of attraction decreases" so do I make sense?It's really natural if you feel uncomfortable when your loved ones is far away.

    Here's some good insights about long-distance relationship from the relationship expert Jennifer Sutherland. She believes that long distance relationships can actually be very healthy for a relationship. "They allow the individual a chance to develop their own relationships and ambitions independently of a partner. They also create a longing for each other." However, in order for it to be successful, Sutherland advises that the couple has to have spent enough time together to have created a strong foundation in order to cope with the separation. "This will avoid any unrealistic idealization and expectations of partners."

    Though it's difficult it may really works. I guess that you and your boyfriend is not really meant for each other. I hope that I'm making a sense.