Today is World Mental Health Day and, as such, I've decided to be straight up with y'all: I suffer from Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It doesn't make dating any easier, believe me. Every girl (and guy, if he's being honest) begins to obsess when she/he realizes she's totally smitten with a new potential mate. Now take this obsessing, this "Is he thinking about me right now?" ; "Is he just fooling around or does he want something more?" ; "Who is that girl in his Facebook picture?" ; "Why isn't he calling?" ; "Is he going to break my heart?" -- take this, and multiply it x10. Obsessing complusively. A need to obsess, with no rhyme or reason, on a scale that escalates the more attempts are made to control it. This obsessing has viciously caused me to ruin more than one potential relationship by leading me to actions such as bringing up what I like to call the "Changing of the Facebook Relationship Status" Talk on a 4th date (Sidenote: this could be where the Curse of the Fourth Date originated). Why would I do something so stupid, so prematurely? Because ambiguity makes me anxious, therefore causing me to obsess.
Yes, I take medication to keep it in check. That just subues the OCD; it doesn't make it *poof!* disappear. I'm stuck with it. I've found I need to be with someone who understands anxiety and irrational obsessing, yet is completely mentally stable. Someone who is sympathetic and a calming influence yet doesn't totally freak out or say I'm over-reacting when I go batshit. I've tried the alternative -- dating someone who understands because he suffers from similar afflictions and it just doesn't work, not for me. At least one of us has to have our shit together at any given point in time.
There have only been two occasions in which I've told a guy I was dating about my disorders. Although it's extremely important to be completely open about myself and my insecurities when seeing someone, it's not exactly the easiest topic to broach. "Sometimes I feel like a crazy person. Still want to go out with me?" If you're a regular reader of this blog, you are well aware that I'm already pretty good at making men go running for the hills on my own, without the help of bringing mental disorders to light. And aye, there's the rub: just thinking about initiating a conversation in which I discuss OCD and anxiety makes me so anxious that I have to stop thinking about it.
I just started seeing someone a month ago. Everything feels different with this one. I feel the electricity with him that I've been missing with pretty much every other guy I've dated, even the ones I was really into. He makes me feel like I'm in a movie. And although he gives me the good, happy kind of butterflies, as opposed to the "oh my god I'm going to throw up because I'm so scared" butterflies, I'm not worried. I don't spend my time wondering where he is and what's he doing when we're not together. I'm not anxious about other girls or whether or not he's thinking about me. I'm actually confident that he's into me and wants to be with me. This confidence is new to me and scarier than anything else I've experienced so far, because it makes me susceptible to an even greater vulnerability than anything I've ever known. In this case, the lack of anxiety is making me anxious on a whole new level. A girl just can't win.
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LIKE! Great post. So happy you participated!
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"Because ambiguity makes me anxious, therefore causing me to obsess."
See Uncertainty Reduction Theory a la COMM110. :) I miss all of our COMM classes and how we could basically apply every single thing we learned to our personal lives.
Ugh, I can so relate and I don't even have OCD! I hope this new one fulfills all your hopes and dreams! My take on dating is that every new man I date is an opportunity to get better at coping with the imbalance and anxiety that dating brings up for me. But it would be nice to be with someone who is A) healthy and B) really wants to be with me. Great post!
ReplyDeleteI don't know so much about on AOCD, I haven't experienced that yet. I am open towards to my partner, we share any ideas that can improve our relationship towards each other. I think dating can heal that kind of dis-order.
ReplyDeleteThat might need some work. Though, it does exclude the guy almost as old as my dad.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing this , it feels so good to be able to read something and know that its my anxiety and not logical thinking . i have been with my boyfriend for 9 months , we talk about the future all the time and we are very much in love , he is the most amazing person i have ever met yet i constantly am left worrying about his ex's and any girl he talks to , he is the friendliest guys and will make time for anyone , and i am the same yet i see it as a totally idfferent thing when it comes to him and i obsess about the same situations . It the worst feeling in the world because its something i always set myself up for , it like i love to hurt myself by thinking about what is not logical abd breaks my heart :(
ReplyDeleteThis is true. We always wonder whether we are similar in values, attitudes, and background. In the relationship development, this usually occurs during the early stages.
ReplyDeleteI Agree. Most of us feel at least a little nervous when starting a new relationship. That's normal.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I get very anxious over the guys I really like. Over those sweet talking players guys too. I hate the way the anxiety feels, but miss it in the same degree. It's so rare to find a guy that I like enough to actually worry about. I need to learn to control my anxiety, because for me too it ruins my relationships.
ReplyDeleteOmgosh you sound like me exactly! Even now dating someone and he is being a doll! But me being comfortable with him is causing me anxiety because I feel like I am being too trusting/vulnerable. Sometimes it's not even worth it to me. The anxiety almost outweighs the excitement of a new romance.
ReplyDeleteIf you find yourself in a good situation with someone who treats you well and gives you no reason to suspect they are being unfaithful, just try to enjoy it. I know that's difficult to do, and I am someone who doesn't enjoy dating because of the anxiety and heartbreak... but I do enjoy relationships. Because there is nothing better than being with someone who cares about you and wants to be with you. YOU deserve that, and this could be the guy! I know exactly how you feel, but if you are comfortable with him, chances are the two of you could be something really great, so do your best to give the relationship a chance. Good luck!
DeleteI really enjoyed reading your post as this sounds a lot like my ex girlfriend. We broke up because she always thought I was seeing other girls, and became very uncomfortable when I wasn't with her. I wasn't, and was absolutely crazy about her. I knew she loved me to, but couldn't control her outbursts, particularly when she was intoxicated. Is there anything I can do?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like there may have been other issues at hand for her other than anxiety, but I'm not a doctor and I won't try to analyze a situation I wasn't a part of. But I can tell you that if you were crazy about her and didn't actually give her a reason to not trust you, you didn't do anything wrong! Many people are insecure in relationships. Sometimes there's a medical reason for it or something they experienced in the past that causes them to be this way, and all you can do is to be supportive and make sure they know you are not going anywhere. When there are other issues at hand, it's more difficult to overcome the trust and insecurity. It's the hardest thing in the world when you love someone and just can't make a relationship work out, but if she couldn't trust you, that sounds to me like it was unfair to YOU more than anything. You can't prove fidelity, you just have to let someone know you're faithful through your love and actions.
DeleteReally your post is really very good and I appreciate it. It’s hard to sort the good from the bad sometimes, but I think you’ve nailed it. combating depression
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