In one of the few episodes of Sex and the City I've seen, Carrie attends a wedding and laments, "two people are committing to a life together and I can't even get a guy to sign a card with me." I've been thinking about this a lot lately, as I just attended three weddings in just as many weeks. I love weddings, so this is not a complaint by any means... but it does cause me to stop and ponder my current situation. Like Carrie, not only have I failed in finding a man who wants to commit his life to me, but I can't even find someone who wants to sign his name next to mine on that congratulatory greeting card. I've found someone who threw a chair on our first (and only) date, someone who took me on a shopping trip to Diesel so I could watch him try on clothes for an hour, someone who later dated my roommate, someone who sent me a breakup playlist, someone that hurt me so deeply that I picture him being dismembered in various ways when I can't fall asleep at night... but never anyone that I would even invite to be my date to a wedding, let alone with whom I'd like to spend the rest of my life.
And so I'm left to ponder why men do the things they do.
EXHIBIT A:
I met Kevin at a bar in December; we talked for a couple of hours and he asked for my phone number. I started dating someone shortly thereafter so while Kevin and I chatted a couple of times, nothing ever came of it. But when I was dumped and Kevin texted me, I acted on it and agreed to meet him for a drink, something he said he'd been waiting on for months. When the time came for said drink, I was stood up. I didn't hear from Kevin for four months until today when he texted to say he's back in town (I wasn't aware he had left) and would like to get together.
EXHIBIT B:
My roommate and I attended a wedding in November. At the very beginning of the night, she picked out a gentleman that she thought was cute with whom she'd like to dance. By the end of the night, they had not only shared multiple dances, but hung out in the hotel bar for a while. He said he would like to see her again and invited her to visit him in Boston sometime. Except he never even asked for her phone number!
EXHIBIT C:
Another friend of mine has been asked out multiple times by a guy who does not remember that they have already dated!
And this is just the tip of the iceberg, folks... and yet I try to decipher that pesky opposite sex again and again. Whoever said men always say exactly what they mean and don't send mixed signals is full of shit. And that, my friends, is why ladies are left to read into things: because men are cryptic little devils.
But I know that women have their idiosyncracies as well. Allow me to introduce The Fire Hydrant Theory: Instead of telling a guy how they feel, women have begun to use men's Facebook walls as a means of staking their claim, hypotheticcaly pissing all over the wall to show ownership the way dogs stake claim on fire hydrants: "Back off, ladies! I have 'poked' and posted a link to a picture of a cute kitten and sent a clip of a movie with the message, 'LOL! Brad, remember this???" so that the world knows that Brad hung out with me! And we share a love for adorable kittens! Plus, the added bonus of a poke's sexual inuendo...hands off, ladies. This one's mine!" And so poor Brad is left soaked in the urine of a crazy chick's Facebook mania.
With two genders this cracked, how will anyone find someone who wants to sign a card with them?
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Sometimes your words just hypnotize me...
Craig and I went to high school together and at the time, I felt as though he was kind of my male equivalent: we both had close friends in the popular crowd but were by no means card-carrying members of the cool squad ourselves. We were both "athletes" in the sense that we played a sport, but weren't the varsity stars. Neither of us really dated, though we both nursed crushes on individuals that were just out of our reach. Craig and I were your classic "in-betweeners" and I thought we really understood each other. I was talking to Craig on Instant Messenger one night and he began asking me questions like "what does it feel like when a woman gets turned on?" Since women don't get erections, he didn't understand how our bodies respond to sexual stimulation. I answered his questions but it was all very innocent.
Then Craig asked me if I'd assist him with an experiment he had read about. He wanted me to hypnotize him so that he could only get an erection when I spoke a certain trigger word. His penis would only respond to that one word, and only when spoken by me. Craig admitted to having fantasies of me whispering the word to him in the hallway at school and thus being completely at my mercy. I was a mix of flattered and terrified, but realized that this fantasy had nothing to do with sexual desire for me personally, merely that I was the person he felt comfortable admitting his sexual fetish to and he knew I wouldn't make fun of him or reveal his desire to others.
While I don't shun most sexual fetishes (to each his/her own), I do think his request was a strange one to make to a high school girl... especially one he was not romantically involved with and had never even hung out with outside of school. It was a very raondom request, even given the conversation that had preceded it. Nevertheless, I told Craig I'd be happy to comply with his request... of course never intending to follow through! I just didn't want to say "no" because then he might think I wasn't cool and... sexually awesome, or something like that. He brought up the matter a few times after that, but only online and I always replied with a line like, "oh yeah... we should totally do that... sometime... I'm really busy this weekend... working on the Homecoming float and all..."
Yes, I found the request odd, but I did not think Craig was odd. I thought it was cool that he felt comfortable being so open with me.
So the hypnotism never took place and Craig and I went our separate ways after graduation. One night when I was a freshman in college I was talking to him online and he told me that he gave the hypnotism a try with a girl at his university. He said it didn't work, and that I should come visit him because he really thought I'd be able to accomplish it. I reminded him that since I went to a different school, I wouldn't see him on a daily basis and he therefore would never be able to get an erection. He said he still thought it would be fascinating if I randomly called him and said the trigger word and hung up, giving him an instant boner. This time I declined.
Craig and I eventually lost touch, as tends to be the case with high school friends when people go away to college. But that was not the last of Craig. During my junior year of college I was walking through a friend's dorm on our way to play in the snow on a very blizzardy day. I was wearing three layers of clothes underneath my giant puffcoat and certainly looked like the Michelin Man when, lo and behold, I see Craig walking towards me. We had a very brief encounter during which he told me he was visiting a friend and had completely forgotten I also attended school there.
Later that night, Craig IMed me to tell me how sexy I looked when we ran into each other. Sexy? Really? In four layers of clothing manufactured to incubate body heat? He then proceded to ask me out and I declined, finally realizing that Craig did not find me trustworthy and a kindred spirit, but rather was a horny boy that for one reason or another thought I would be desperate enough to accept his strange advances. Now I do indeed think Craig is odd, and he is definitely not my male equivalent. Sometimes I am way too generous when giving people the benefit of the doubt... especially men whose bizarre tendencies I mistake for cute and flattering.
Then Craig asked me if I'd assist him with an experiment he had read about. He wanted me to hypnotize him so that he could only get an erection when I spoke a certain trigger word. His penis would only respond to that one word, and only when spoken by me. Craig admitted to having fantasies of me whispering the word to him in the hallway at school and thus being completely at my mercy. I was a mix of flattered and terrified, but realized that this fantasy had nothing to do with sexual desire for me personally, merely that I was the person he felt comfortable admitting his sexual fetish to and he knew I wouldn't make fun of him or reveal his desire to others.
While I don't shun most sexual fetishes (to each his/her own), I do think his request was a strange one to make to a high school girl... especially one he was not romantically involved with and had never even hung out with outside of school. It was a very raondom request, even given the conversation that had preceded it. Nevertheless, I told Craig I'd be happy to comply with his request... of course never intending to follow through! I just didn't want to say "no" because then he might think I wasn't cool and... sexually awesome, or something like that. He brought up the matter a few times after that, but only online and I always replied with a line like, "oh yeah... we should totally do that... sometime... I'm really busy this weekend... working on the Homecoming float and all..."
Yes, I found the request odd, but I did not think Craig was odd. I thought it was cool that he felt comfortable being so open with me.
So the hypnotism never took place and Craig and I went our separate ways after graduation. One night when I was a freshman in college I was talking to him online and he told me that he gave the hypnotism a try with a girl at his university. He said it didn't work, and that I should come visit him because he really thought I'd be able to accomplish it. I reminded him that since I went to a different school, I wouldn't see him on a daily basis and he therefore would never be able to get an erection. He said he still thought it would be fascinating if I randomly called him and said the trigger word and hung up, giving him an instant boner. This time I declined.
Craig and I eventually lost touch, as tends to be the case with high school friends when people go away to college. But that was not the last of Craig. During my junior year of college I was walking through a friend's dorm on our way to play in the snow on a very blizzardy day. I was wearing three layers of clothes underneath my giant puffcoat and certainly looked like the Michelin Man when, lo and behold, I see Craig walking towards me. We had a very brief encounter during which he told me he was visiting a friend and had completely forgotten I also attended school there.
Later that night, Craig IMed me to tell me how sexy I looked when we ran into each other. Sexy? Really? In four layers of clothing manufactured to incubate body heat? He then proceded to ask me out and I declined, finally realizing that Craig did not find me trustworthy and a kindred spirit, but rather was a horny boy that for one reason or another thought I would be desperate enough to accept his strange advances. Now I do indeed think Craig is odd, and he is definitely not my male equivalent. Sometimes I am way too generous when giving people the benefit of the doubt... especially men whose bizarre tendencies I mistake for cute and flattering.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Read Any Good Books Lately?
What better place to find a sexy sophisticated suitor than the library? Unfortunately, I've never had the privilege of meeting a man in the library, but that doesn't mean I've given up hope. Should this opportunity ever come my way, I am prepared. Surrounded by some of my lady friends earlier in the week, we developed a list of pick-up lines that are surefire ways to catch that studious man (or woman) of your dreams.
1. Is your name Dewey? Because I've been looking you up and down.
2. Put down that book and check me out.
3. Let's play a little game of non-fiction.
4. I'd like to run my fingers through your pages.
5. Excuse me, do you know where I could find the graphic novels?
6. Care to examine my stacks?
7. Would you like to solve my mystery?
8. I found you in the card catalog filed under "sexy."
9. Do you know where I can find Moby Dick?
10. I lost my call number; can I get yours?
1. Is your name Dewey? Because I've been looking you up and down.
2. Put down that book and check me out.
3. Let's play a little game of non-fiction.
4. I'd like to run my fingers through your pages.
5. Excuse me, do you know where I could find the graphic novels?
6. Care to examine my stacks?
7. Would you like to solve my mystery?
8. I found you in the card catalog filed under "sexy."
9. Do you know where I can find Moby Dick?
10. I lost my call number; can I get yours?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Dating: It's Not A Game
Tonight I attended an event called Love Is Blind that not
only featured a male dancer who stripped down to his goggles, snorkel and swim
trunks, but also several rounds of the Dating Game, complete with three
contestants and bachelor/bachelorette mysteriously hidden behind a
curtain. Alas, my raffle ticket was not
selected, which would have enabled me to participate, a fact that is most
unfortunate not only because I therefore did not win a fabulous date with a
handsome man, but also because this blog entry would be far more exciting had I
been chosen. However, watching the
others on stage answer the questions posed to them by the men/women searching
for love made me contemplate what three questions I would ask a potential
suitor, had I only three questions to ask.
At first it seemed quite obvious, as there are three major things I look
for when dating:
1. Do you smoke?
2. What is your political affiliation?
3. Are you religious?
I won’t tell you what the “correct” answers to these questions
are, but I can tell you that they are my only deal-breakers. And #3 is open to some debate depending on
ethnicity vs. moral obligation. These
questions, however, would not make for a particularly entertaining dating
game. While the answers to these
questions remain of importance to me, there are three additional questions that
would not only go over far better within the Dating game scenario, but also
have answers that would honestly make a difference to me:
1. If you were a word, what word would you be and
why?
2. What is the weirdest tradition in which your
family participates?
3. Name one child that has had a positive impact on
your life.
And now, allow me to explain. First
of all, the word “love” or “hope” will not gain you any points here. Please.
There are so many remarkable words in the English language. What about “menagerie” or “waffle” or “placenta?” Just feel the way those words roll of the
tongue. I don’t care if the word is
selected simply because it’s fun to say; that is a far better reason than the
Miss America response of, “because it’s a beautiful thing and what we all live
for blah blah blah.” Men give those
answers to because they think it’s what we want to hear. They are wrong.
As for question number 2… loving your family and bonding
with your family is important to me.
Maybe you grew up in a dysfunctional family but turned out okay. There still has to be some kind of tradition
your family adheres to, even if it’s chasing each other around with the butcher
knife every Thanksgiving. Let’s keep it
exciting, people! My answer to this
question would either be Drunken Boardgame Fest with my cousins or the
Ceremonial Passing of the Collared Pecary.
And lastly, children.
I do not want a child today or tomorrow or even in the next several
years. But I want a child some day. I know plenty of people who have not had an
abundance of children in their lives, but I feel it’s impossible to have never
had your heart melted by a child. Did a
baby ever smile at you on the subway?
Did a little girl or boy in a film ever move you in the slightest? A child somewhere must have had an impact on
you at some point, one way or another, no matter how small. Three years ago, this would not have seemed important
to me, but since then I have dated far too many men who, in their 20s, were
already contemplating Vasectomies.
Seriously? You’re not even 30
years old and you want to get snipped?
Preposterous. I need to at least
know there is the possibility of children at some point in the future.
I don’t think it’s any secret that I’m pretty fed up with
the whole dating scene and ready to find someone with whom I see a future. And who sees me in his future. I don’t date for
fun. Of all the things that dating is, “fun”
is not one of them. I have kept an open mind and dated smokers,
dated men who voted opposite what I voted in the 2008 election, dated men who
were estranged from their families. And
you know what? I have not fared
well. I know that relationships are all
about compromise, but one should not have to compromise her/his ideals. Yes, relationships require sacrifice, but
likewise they cannot exist in the first place without harmony.
What if the Dating Game consisted of the questions people really wanted to ask? Oh, Jim Lange would have been in for such a
treat! Though I much prefer Chuck
Woolery. I wonder if he’s single… and
how he would answer my questions.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Dear Diary 4/25/95: Couple-skating at the roller rink
The below was artfully sketched on April 25, 1995:
The accompanying diary entry is from April 23, 1995:
Dear Diary, on Friday I went to the roller rink. I couple-skated with (drumroll please!) Jason! As friends, of course. Now I can't get him out of my mind.
Top 5 guys:
1. Jason
2. Jamin
3. Thomas Ian Nicholas
4. Nate
5. Marc
Note from me, April 25, 2011: Come on, I was a hottie, no? Who wouldn't want to coupleskate with that hot piece of ass?-
Monday, April 11, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Dear Diary 4/6/01: In which I ask my first love to prom
Before I begin the diary entry itself, I'd like to provide a little background information that will prove helpful: the conference mentioned is a seminar for high school students in which half the week is spent in NYC learning about social issues at the UN. The second half of the week is spent in D.C. lobbying senators/representatives. Chaperoned, of course, but with a good deal of freedom.
And now for the main event!
4/6/01: Dear Diary, No guy has had me so whipped for a long time! I think the last time I was this crazy about a guy was over a year ago when I liked Justin (again). But now... Adam. We were together nearly the whole week of the conference. He always waited for me so we could walk together [to and from seminar sessions]. We get along so well -- our personalities totally mesh. I'm crazy about him.
I asked him to prom and I'm writing down the conversation so I don't forget it. After working up much courage and finding my balls:
Me - "Adam, would you go to prom with me?"
Adam - "That's an odd question."
Me - "It's an odd question?"
Adam - "Not odd, just... unexpected."
Me - "I'll warn you next time... Adam, I'm warning you."
Adam - "Warning me about what?"
Me - "I'm going to ask you to prom."
Adam - "...yeeeeaaahhhhh..." (Said like "rrrriiiiiigggghhhhht" not like "Sure! I'll go to prom with you!"
*The Next Night*
Adam was going to take the elevator [up to his hotel room], but I decided to just take the stairs instead, and he followed me. We were alone, so I brought it up again.
Me - "Adam, sorry for catching you off-guard last night."
Adam - "Oh, it's okay."
Me - "But... I was serious, so if you could mull it over, I'd appreciate it."
Adam - "Okay, I'll mull it."
* Then we started making jokes about mullets. *
When I asked him to prom we were on a ferry. It was so beautiful and it was just the two of us standing there, and to be honest, it was kinda romantic. I thought I'd scared him. On the ferry on the way back, I was inside the third level talking to my friend Phil and Adam was standing outside the third level. I told Phil I thought I scared Adam and he said, "There are three levels on this ferry. If you really scared him, do you think he'd be outside the window?" That really helped. :) [I actually drew a smiley face in my diary at this part.]
Adam promised me before the conference that he'd dance for me there. [He was a breakdancer.] I'd been asking him all week and he hadn't yet, but after we got back to the hotel from the ferry ride, he danced and kept doing it until the end of the week! Coincidence? I don't know. I don't want to read into anything, but it sure drove me wild!
I never asked a guy out in person before, but I think there's something to say for not getting a yes, and not affecting our friendship. Nothing was awkward; we just kept on joking around and hanging out. How often does that happen? When I left the conference, I gave him a hug and told him to e-mail me, so I'll let you know what happens. My hand is really tired.
Note from the author 4/6/11: The prom in question was for my junior year of high school. Adam was (still is, go figure) a year younger than me and attended a different high school about an hour away. He declined my invitation to be my date to my junior prom, but accepted a year later when I asked him again and he danced the night away with me at my senior prom. Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, that night remains one of my finest memories. The boy I had loved for over a year went to my senior prom with me, gave me a huge bouquet of flowers and danced with me all night long. It was glorious and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world! Since he lived too far away to drive home that night, he slept over at my house. We went home after prom and started watching Big Daddy in my family room and since that room of my house is completely secluded from the rest of the house, I was hoping for a little making out action. Isn't that what you do on prom night? However, halfway through the movie when I started to yawn, Adam informed me that I should probably go to bed... so I went upstairs to my room and he slept on the sofa.
Adam and I hung out that summer before I went to college and before his senior year of high school. At this point, I had been head over heels for the guy for two and a half years. I pulled him aside one day that summer and laid it all out for him, something along the lines of, "I'm going to college in a couple weeks and will probably meet a guy there and we'll fall in love and get married... but not if I still have a chance with you. I can't move on unless you tell me there's no way you'll ever change your mind." I remember Adam's response word-for-word: "I think we'll just always be really good friends."
And so I went to college a few weeks later. I honestly thought that everyone who hadn't already found his/her husband/wife found that person at college simply because that's where my parents had met. I assumed that's just the way it was done. I never dreamed that I'd be no closer to finding true (reciprocal) love ten years later. But I really and truly was in love with Adam, and not just puppy love. We were extremely close and my feelings for him were deep and unconditional. I think I've been in love twice since then, but Adam was the first. My first love.
So where is Adam now? Well, we continued to talk and hang out throughout my freshman year of college, but the communication became more sporadic and we gradually drifted apart. He actually randomly ended up as the college roommate of another friend of mine, a guy who knew all about my love for Adam and who I had cried to about Adam on at least one occasion... so that was kind of weird. A couple of years ago Adam married that friend's cousin, a girl I was also friends with... so that was also kind of weird.
She once tried setting me up with some guy named Ed. I'm not sure if it was because she really thought that Ed and I would be a good match, or if she felt guilty about taking my first love, but there are no hard feelings there. She and I were friends, but not the super-close kind that have rules about stealing men from one another (and it wasn't stealing since he never wanted me anyway). My only sadness stems from the fact that Adam was one of my very best friends and I have not talked to him in six or seven years. I do miss his friendship, but everything else played out exactly the way it should have.
And now for the main event!
4/6/01: Dear Diary, No guy has had me so whipped for a long time! I think the last time I was this crazy about a guy was over a year ago when I liked Justin (again). But now... Adam. We were together nearly the whole week of the conference. He always waited for me so we could walk together [to and from seminar sessions]. We get along so well -- our personalities totally mesh. I'm crazy about him.
I asked him to prom and I'm writing down the conversation so I don't forget it. After working up much courage and finding my balls:
Me - "Adam, would you go to prom with me?"
Adam - "That's an odd question."
Me - "It's an odd question?"
Adam - "Not odd, just... unexpected."
Me - "I'll warn you next time... Adam, I'm warning you."
Adam - "Warning me about what?"
Me - "I'm going to ask you to prom."
Adam - "...yeeeeaaahhhhh..." (Said like "rrrriiiiiigggghhhhht" not like "Sure! I'll go to prom with you!"
*The Next Night*
Adam was going to take the elevator [up to his hotel room], but I decided to just take the stairs instead, and he followed me. We were alone, so I brought it up again.
Me - "Adam, sorry for catching you off-guard last night."
Adam - "Oh, it's okay."
Me - "But... I was serious, so if you could mull it over, I'd appreciate it."
Adam - "Okay, I'll mull it."
* Then we started making jokes about mullets. *
When I asked him to prom we were on a ferry. It was so beautiful and it was just the two of us standing there, and to be honest, it was kinda romantic. I thought I'd scared him. On the ferry on the way back, I was inside the third level talking to my friend Phil and Adam was standing outside the third level. I told Phil I thought I scared Adam and he said, "There are three levels on this ferry. If you really scared him, do you think he'd be outside the window?" That really helped. :) [I actually drew a smiley face in my diary at this part.]
Adam promised me before the conference that he'd dance for me there. [He was a breakdancer.] I'd been asking him all week and he hadn't yet, but after we got back to the hotel from the ferry ride, he danced and kept doing it until the end of the week! Coincidence? I don't know. I don't want to read into anything, but it sure drove me wild!
I never asked a guy out in person before, but I think there's something to say for not getting a yes, and not affecting our friendship. Nothing was awkward; we just kept on joking around and hanging out. How often does that happen? When I left the conference, I gave him a hug and told him to e-mail me, so I'll let you know what happens. My hand is really tired.
Note from the author 4/6/11: The prom in question was for my junior year of high school. Adam was (still is, go figure) a year younger than me and attended a different high school about an hour away. He declined my invitation to be my date to my junior prom, but accepted a year later when I asked him again and he danced the night away with me at my senior prom. Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, that night remains one of my finest memories. The boy I had loved for over a year went to my senior prom with me, gave me a huge bouquet of flowers and danced with me all night long. It was glorious and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world! Since he lived too far away to drive home that night, he slept over at my house. We went home after prom and started watching Big Daddy in my family room and since that room of my house is completely secluded from the rest of the house, I was hoping for a little making out action. Isn't that what you do on prom night? However, halfway through the movie when I started to yawn, Adam informed me that I should probably go to bed... so I went upstairs to my room and he slept on the sofa.
Adam and I hung out that summer before I went to college and before his senior year of high school. At this point, I had been head over heels for the guy for two and a half years. I pulled him aside one day that summer and laid it all out for him, something along the lines of, "I'm going to college in a couple weeks and will probably meet a guy there and we'll fall in love and get married... but not if I still have a chance with you. I can't move on unless you tell me there's no way you'll ever change your mind." I remember Adam's response word-for-word: "I think we'll just always be really good friends."
And so I went to college a few weeks later. I honestly thought that everyone who hadn't already found his/her husband/wife found that person at college simply because that's where my parents had met. I assumed that's just the way it was done. I never dreamed that I'd be no closer to finding true (reciprocal) love ten years later. But I really and truly was in love with Adam, and not just puppy love. We were extremely close and my feelings for him were deep and unconditional. I think I've been in love twice since then, but Adam was the first. My first love.
So where is Adam now? Well, we continued to talk and hang out throughout my freshman year of college, but the communication became more sporadic and we gradually drifted apart. He actually randomly ended up as the college roommate of another friend of mine, a guy who knew all about my love for Adam and who I had cried to about Adam on at least one occasion... so that was kind of weird. A couple of years ago Adam married that friend's cousin, a girl I was also friends with... so that was also kind of weird.
She once tried setting me up with some guy named Ed. I'm not sure if it was because she really thought that Ed and I would be a good match, or if she felt guilty about taking my first love, but there are no hard feelings there. She and I were friends, but not the super-close kind that have rules about stealing men from one another (and it wasn't stealing since he never wanted me anyway). My only sadness stems from the fact that Adam was one of my very best friends and I have not talked to him in six or seven years. I do miss his friendship, but everything else played out exactly the way it should have.
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